Monday 12 March 2012

When starting over brings more heartache

This wasn't how we planned on starting our blog to share with the Club Surro, but here we are!  We actually had a plan to begin on a positive note and make our story known once we could safely say that we are pregnant (for the first time) and expecting in awww 6ish months.  However last Saturday brought us back to the reality of the miracle of creating life with an unexpected email from India explaining how our 8 week old fetus was showing no cardiac activity on the scans taken.
We were absolutely devastated and found out that Dr. Shivani and the embryologist were just as shocked over this as us given that our little bubble was making excellent progress each week.  We found ourselves in a daze and numb trying to comprehend that we were going through yet another loss.  Our loss was endured silently as were all our previous losses, yet this time it seemed compounded by the fact that India seemed so far, far away from us here in Australia.

We reached out for the first time to poor Meg and Margarida to try and understand how to cope with this new level of pain and we trawled through countless blogs trying to pick up on how others who have gone before us on this surrogacy journey have coped with the loss of miscarriage without the support of family or friends.  Admittedly we had previously read all your blogs for the heartbreakingly good news not the sad news.  So if anyone can share with us some words of wisdom about how to get through these next few weeks it would be much appreciated.

Our story so far...is that we have been trying to start our family for 10 years now which has financially and emotionally robbed us of some of the best years of our lives.  Testing after the initial 12 months without conceiving revealed that I had a uterine abnormality which 3 different gynies had 3 different opinions about exactly what the abnormality was.  The final conclusion was a dideiphus mullerian abnormality and for good measure menopause was also thrown in at the ripe old age of 34.  This outcome was only known to us in the last 6 months and previously we had a failed IVF attempt and had numerous unconfirmed miscarriages over the years.
We made a decision to abandoned our 3 years spent waiting to be allocated a child through international adoption before we started our IVF treatment as that seemed to be going no-where fast.
The discussion of surrogacy came up once again as this really now is our last shot at becoming parents.  So in September last year we approached SCI and decided to give surrogacy shot.  We were in India in January this year and had the privileged of meeting the talented Dr. Shivani and her team and they have been in our hearts and minds everyday since.  So we transferred 4 embryos and considered ourselves very, very lucky to have 1 stay with us for 8 weeks.

So now with slightly more fragile hearts we hope to try again very soon with some of our frozen embies.  So now we hope and pray that for 'a Dehli Ashi - which translates to a Dehli Blessing or Miracle'.
Thank you to everyone for sharing a special piece of your private lives with others like us...as this is the only place we can go for information, reassurances, to have a laugh and a cry with all things surrogacy and infertility related and where others are actually walking in the same shoes and experiencing the same personal stories.

   

21 comments:

  1. I am so sorry for your loss.

    Embrace the grief until there is light, then, embrace the light.

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    1. Thank you so much. What beautiful words...the darkness is slowly becoming lighter for us.

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  2. Am very sorry for your loss and pray that the good Lord blesses you quickly.you are in my thought.xx

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    1. Thank you for having us in your thoughts...you are a very kind soul.

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  3. So sorry to hear about your sad loss. Wishing you a delhi ashi with your frozen embryos very soon!!! Looking forward to reading your blog. Best wishes, K

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    1. Thank you K. We pray that everyone patiently waiting for a Dehli Ashi may be blessed with one, or two, or three...whatever their heart yearns for!

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  4. I am so sorry for your loss!!
    I hope you are able to carry on,
    wishing you lots of luck for the future,
    keep us posted!!
    Best wishes
    lisa x

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    1. Thank you Lisa. The well wishes and positive comments and energy from all those in blog land like yourself have blown us away. It helps us hold onto our dream even tighter and have the strength to not give up.

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  5. We are truly sorry for your loss. Take your time to grieve but come out stronger than ever before. The stories of others who have gone before us, had setbacks but eventually made it give us hope that we WILL become parents one day. One blog that comes to mind is http://alltonneethree.blogspot.com and in particular this article: http://alltonneethree.blogspot.com/2011_01_01_archive.html

    Best wishes,
    Aaron & Eddy

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    1. Thank you Aaron and Eddy. What amazing words...the world is a much smaller and wonderful place when beautiful and precious souls whom we don't even know can share such honest thoughts with us! We have taken your advise and together feel stronger. Grief is so hard to work through...but the determination that is felt after lets us know that our dream is too important to give up on just yet. Thank you for pointing out the altonneethree blog too.

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  6. That you are trying again brings hope and light to what lies beyond this heart-rending event. All strength to you both.

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    1. Thank you Tom...and we have gained so much strength and support from those who walk this road too. We have come to understand that hope and faith are what keep most going...and that's pretty much what precious dreams like this are made of!

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  7. Sadly we had the same start to our surrogacy journey, no heartbeat at 8 weeks! It is such a horrible shock to receive such heartbreaking news, there is no warning and you feel like staying in bed with the doona over your head. I'm so sorry you have had to go through this. The only way I have got through is by making a plan to try again and knowing others have been through the same thing and have forged ahead to realise their dreams. Take care Bec.

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    1. Bec we feel everything you are saying. I'm amazed at how many others have experienced the same heartache. It's so hard when one day your bubble that you have been waiting so long for is there and the next it's gone along with all the plans and hope that you hold in your heart. We made plans to continue on should this happen as we knew this is how we would cope best, but the pain and sorrow will stay with us for a long while. Every dream come true proves to us it's possible.

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  8. I too am sorry for your loss and years of heartache. May your new attempt bring a delhi ashi and make all the pain a distant memory. A new plan brings new hope.

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    1. Thank you for your kind words and understanding. We pray everyday that a Dehli Ashi is our answer to becoming parents. Yes...you are right a new plan brings new hope. This is our last option on our decade long plan and after this we're afraid all hope will be lost...this is why we won't give up without a fight.

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  9. Your story is so familiar to so many of us. After a total of 8 DE cycles (4 in the US and 4 in India with surrogates) we are finally expecting twins. Our first two transfers with perfect embryos did not work, and with this pregnancy we started out with 3 and lost 1 at 12 weeks with a second surrogate. Finally, as we approach 29 weeks, I am beginning to let go of the fear. It is such a long journey for some of us but know that we are all here to support you. Best, Bernadette

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    1. Congratulations on your twins. Good luck and we wish you all the very best for your family on the way. Your story breaks our heart yet gives us the courage and determination to keep going. Wow you guys are truly inspiring and so brave. We too know this fear well with the years and years of grief and heartache. Thank you for sharing and showing us what happens when giving up is not an option and of course for your well wishes and support.

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  10. Having gone through x5 attempts previously, I can relate. Although we are now coming up to 20weeks the pain - emotionally, physically and financially still lingers. We've had no support from family or friends as this has suited our situation.
    The feeling of isolation really got to me. Depending on where you live, I recommend counselling:
    http://ivf.com.au/fertility-treatment/ivf-counselling-support
    http://www.access.org.au/
    http://www.nor.com.au/community/aisg/infertilitylinks.htm

    I found just being able to have my feelings and thoughts verified so comforting - this also lifted the burden from my husband.
    Keep focussed on the future, but let the tears flow and lean on us for a bit of support.

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    1. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Congratulations on the wonderful news of your pregnancy. We can imagine the challenge of letting go of the years pain and sorrow and allowing yourselves to enjoy this moment and what lies ahead. Thank you for your suggestion of counselling. Yes the feeling of isolation can be overwhelming. The support here in blog land is amazing and we appreciate each and every person who has allowed us a glimpse into their lives through their blog.

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  11. A Delhi Ashi, I just read your blog and I must have been in India at the time you posted this. I am so so glad that you have tried again with the frozen embryos. Hope you are feeling stronger as the days pass. Look forward to hearing news over the next week or so. We are all here for you - I love our surro blogging family !

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